Another howl

Sometimes life pulls you into circumstances you never imagined or wanted. Down with all the emotions you try to move ahead keeping in check that you don't erupt on the people around you, some of them kind and some never to mention. Every weekends I spend the whole day renewing myself with the loads of reading and the books that keep me going, thus avoiding the reality. I was never like this but I know I was screwed, not able to focus on anything and after becoming a mother, things and priorities changed. I wanted sometime for myself and heavens knew how hard I tried. 

I always wondered how great would it be like if we had someone to support us when we are stuck mentally, physically and emotionally, but life doesn't work that way, we are always adjacent to the unreal feelings of ourselves. Finally I decided to standup for myself and start writing, I may not be a good writer, nor someone who wants to share her life details with everyone. But I am writing this to lighter myself with all my emotions dragging me down making me weak. I tremble upon the suicidal thoughts that hit me every once in few weeks, but that would mean I am running away from my responsibilities just like a coward. I have two daughters who had just begin with their life and are super observant of me as a role model. I have to stay strong for them to start believing in themselves and their capabilities to get the shit done and stay dedicated on their beliefs and purpose. While I myself don't know my purpose, it's better to be present and live one day at a time and making room for more adventures to come. Life is pretty short, and with these Wars going on, it would be stupid enough to wait and let universe decide our path. 

All you can do is stay humble, keep focusing on the work on hand, one thing at a time, focus on cherishing the present, your ambitions, the people you love and avoid dramas. I am not a elite of a person, I am a 30 year old women, trying to live better each day, not someone who is hunger for more in life, but someone who her kids can look upon and lead a meaningful life.