Heart that always understands also gets tired

 Sometimes all you have is the treasure of pain and grief. You must have looked at life as a Garamond book of all hopeful adventures and sporadic incandescent liveliness. You touch upon every soul that left you to the dark. Yes, I too have been through it. Many a times our eyes fill up with rivers of memories flowing rapidly. Every time the emotions suffocate you to beat the insecurity and anxiousness of the heart. I wish why am I alive, at every moment I feel so much suffocated. Everyday struggles are not just merely struggles, they are the raged emotions that fill up. 

Just like another day, I locked myself and looking at the mirror, I started talking to myself. Having no one around, makes me feel safe to have an open end communication.

Most times we get hurt by the people we value the most, take it as the bitter truth. I have been treated as a piece of shit, many a times. Though my soul is aware that I like to live a life without any drama.

For several years, I kept quiet about the things that were happening around just to maintain the peace. But at times, I really get overwhelmed and burst out, and that makes me a person of bad temper.

Most times its difficult to have someone to share our thoughts and whom we can trust, because at any point a friend can become an enemy.

I personally don't like getting close to people, for I knew that they always prefer to use me. In the recent years, I have build trust issues. I like being alone and doing my stuff.

I always let my heart to take the decisions rather than thinking about it practically, I kept struggling with my thoughts and the negative side effects, got literally ill, had some consultations with the psychiatrist, motivational folks, my best buddies, but nothing worked. My heart was so tired to accept anything, call it a day before writing this article I found a very surprising, one of my close friend asked to journal all my thoughts, instead of taking the wrong move. 

You may say that you write motivational content, yet you aren't able to self motivate yourself ? The answer is "Yes", motivation is something that comes from within with the right mindset.

So what's wrong with me? My mindset, thought process, people around me, my insecurities, being introvert, my bitter experiences, if not these then what? Its my expectations and the story I keep telling myself about myself, the things that I believe, then trust issues I have, the feeling of constantly being judged, these are the things that affect my state of mind and behavior patterns.

For I'm not a scientist to do the case study, I believe the a little study about the "behavioural and mental patterns" would help me to arrive at a reasonable solution.

Thanks for your time for reading out my thoughts, will catch up soon with a new soulful writing